Category: Uncategorized

Putrescence. Fluids oozing out of old garbage. Piss. And an underlying, lingering, mouldy dampness that swathes the mucus membranes of your sinuses so that you fear you will never breathe freely again.

I’m back in NOLA, and it feels like home.

Life is simply better when I’m here – nevermind that when I’m here I’m on leave from the real world. Things just fall into place. I get a long-awaited call. Some random conflict back home resolves itself. The appointment for my next tattoo gets confirmed. All the good stuff.

You can feel the powerful magick and energy in the air and as you walk around in the humidity, it seeps into you. Possibilities expand. And they are spectacular.

Stress manifests in the body. I feel it in the deep places. I feel it in my head and eyes, where my consciousness resides. It’s on my skin – rosacea, eczema. It hurts my joints, soft tissues, digetive tract.

I am hoping to change my hours of work to something more comfortable for me and the rest of the family. Everyone other than me is a night owl and I crash so early that I feel I miss my time with them. I also suck at mornings.

My job is only 24 hours a week, a pittance. But I still feel drained and exhausted by it. I’m not sure why it’s such a challenge – and I’m working on figuring it out. I am doing regular bloodwork, monitoring my diet and exercise and tracking my sleep. My work environment has undergone a few transformations in the past 6 months, that have resulted in more stress, too. It’s all connected.

I wish I wasn’t. I wish I felt strong and caught up with my own life. Instead, I feel like I am always running behind, unable to be conscious of my own self, my body and my mind.

I feel overwhelmed by emotional turmoil. I am sinking in the waves and white waters. I try to catch my breath and centre myself – but there is no calm. Everything keeps churning.

My usual refrain plays over and over to my slowly numbing ears. I’m tired. I’m lonely. I’m worthless. I am a hindrance to others, never a facilitator.

I become numb, not because I no longer hear that refrain, but because I’m saturated with them. I’m soaked. I don’t think I can hold any more of their message within me. I am full of it.

I’ve been struggling. A lot. A whole lot. I don’t even know how to say it properly. I am in pain — stupid, ridiculous, emotional pain that makes no sense and has no discernable roots in reality. Instead, it is the kind of pain that starts in the brain. Maybe it’s chemistry. Hormones. Norepinephrine and Serotonin. I don’t know. I just feel the weight, the hurt, and the confusion.

I keep telling myself that tomorrow will be better, that I will, “Be okay”, some other time. I don’t believe a word of it. But still, I continue because I have no other choice, for now.